doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
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I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
The USS B port
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over