I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
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I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Am I having a stroke?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Pringles
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT