Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
You Might Also Like
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids