Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
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“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.