72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
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I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.