I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
You Might Also Like
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
A wise man once said nothing.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.