Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
You Might Also Like
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?