Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
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A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.