i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
You Might Also Like
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.