Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
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[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.