Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
You Might Also Like
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.