DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
You Might Also Like
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
When can I start eating bats again.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.