There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
You Might Also Like
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.