DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
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Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
A fake ID that makes you younger
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”