Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
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Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I hope google does well on my son’s test
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.