so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
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Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
An odd boast
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.