back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
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The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
ok this is my dumbest yet
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead