Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
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Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Blew my mind.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Grandmother clock.