If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
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Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep