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No-one: I can hear screaming
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11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Livid.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist