doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
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If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
This made me smile…
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
A woman drives into a bar.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.