doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
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*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Not recommended for beginners.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
this is literally a CIA plant
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.