I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
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If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Boating season is upon us.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
live long and prosper!
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Me, reading some of your tweets
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?