[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
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Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.