[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
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Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.