Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
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hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.