Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
never forget
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.