Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
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If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
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Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.