DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
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My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.