They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
You Might Also Like
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.