DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
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very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
this is the best day of my life
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.