“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
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Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
This pepper has seen some shit
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry