“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
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What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
*3.5 thank you very much.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.