doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.