doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
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I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind