Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
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her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan