Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
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Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack