Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
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[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
This is a true ally.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this