Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
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Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.