Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
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[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Mornin
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.