Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
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I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah