doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
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11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me