DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
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“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Jupiter
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
let’s discuss
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”