Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
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Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”