DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
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Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
me doing my best
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.