Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
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I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle