doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
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Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head