*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
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You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.