*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
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Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Knock Knock
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
The first matador
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
even bears disappoint their mothers