I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
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Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not