DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
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NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I’m being attacked 😭
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit